It’s snow, people. It happens every fucking year in Northern Illinois. How do you ignorant fucks forget how to drive in it, EVERY FUCKING [email protected]#
Here are my winter driving tips for those of you who have also forgotten how to drive in a quarter inch of snow:
- Know what your car can do. This is probably the most important rule of driving, whether it’s winter or not. Inevitably, I will get passed on the highway by someone in an SUV with four-wheel drive. Also inevitably, I will see an SUV with four-wheel drive in the ditch at least once on my commute (yesterday there were five of them). Just because your vehicle has four-wheel drive or “traction control,” doesn’t meet the vehicle manufacturer has given you carte blanche to drive like a jackass.
- Pay attention. This seems like a no-brainer, but plenty of people have no brains. If you’re holding your cell phone up to your head, putting on make-up or, heaven help me, reading the goddamned newspaper while you’re driving, what you’re really doing is driving while you do one of those things. People that do this shit are lucky that I want to live to see my daughter grow up. Otherwise, I’ve half a mind to immediately prepare for ramming speed. I think Jim Morrison said it best: “Keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel.”
- Slow down. Look, I like to drive fast too, but if there’s snow on the ground, you need to slow down. I’m not saying you need to do 35 on the interstate, but at least tick it down 5 mph. There’s nothing more frustrating than seeing some douchebag flying down the road only to cause problems later. Think of someone other than yourself for a moment, you dumb prick.